60th post!

Solofest: i have decided that i don't give a s*** about it. i am going to play what I can. If my performance happens to completely not represent all of my practicing, thought and skill that has gone into it and how great I can actually make it sound AND how I can follow all of the "music rules" at once and if I make mistakes that I have never made before ever and have all my former mistakes done so well that they don't know how hard i've worked to correct them and happen to have a bad tone that morning because the amount of chapstick i have on isn't perfect enough to get my lips in between "papery dry and slippy" and "slippily coated in chapstick" and if I start warming up 1/2 way through the peice so I become out of tune with the piano or if I roll my flute a fraction of an inch in or out so that I become flat or sharp to the piano and if i run out of breath at a random spot in the piece because i feel particularly asthmatic that morning or forget to breath because of my nerves or just plain forget to breath AND if I get an really painful itch and I lose concentration for a second and screw up a few notes and get lost and start playing so loud at the start that I don't leave enough room for other dynamics and I start coughing in the middle of the solo or a dry mouth or tickle in my throat and have to stop and get counted off for it and my hands get hot and sweaty because i'm nervous and my embroture is slipping and I have to readjust my hands and I get counted off for slipping THEN I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE THAT MY WHOLE BAND GRADE IS GOING TO SLIP AND LOWER MY GPA AND HOURS AND HOURS OF PRACTICE WILL BE WASTED JUST FOR A 15/30 "POOR" AND THAT I CAN'T TAKE PERSONAL PRIDE AND SATISFACTION IN THE RELATIVELY PRETTY PIECE OF MUSIC I'VE LEARNED HOW TO PLAY. I DON'T CARE THAT ALL MY BROTHER EVER GOT WAS "SUPERIORS" AND MY PARENTS WILL BE HORRIFIED WHEN THEY SEE MY SCORE AND MAKE ME PRACTICE A BUNCH EVERYDAY WHERE THEY CAN SEE ME. I DON'T CARE IF MY SKILL IS UNDERREPRESENTED IN ANYWAY AND THAT I MIGHT JUST CRACK UNDER THE STRESS AND WRITE SOME SORT OF COOKY ENTRY ON MY BLOG. (oops i already did.)

as you can see, it's relatively hard not to care about solofest. i wish i didn't give a s***. but the band department has made that extremely difficult. And like almost all of that is practically out of my freaking control! though my life is going to improve by like 90% once it's over. wow, just writing in all of those caps makes me feel like i was yelling. my throat hurts now!
I actually can speak even though throughout the day my ability to speak has been hindered. I talked plenty at lunch because it's hard not to but i paid dearly for it in LA because my throat hurt like hell.

on a happier flute note (haha punny), i just was taking a break from my solo and started doing improvisation and I ended up pacing around the room, playing this awesome made up song that went on for like four minutes. i love it so much! I wish I had saved it and recorded it. I wasn't paying attention to what notes I was playing, some of them weren't even legit notes, or at least not the most commonly used fingerings. It just came so easily without thinking! that is what matters to me about playing flute, not trying to remember: rhythm, dynamics, fingerings, tone, breath, tonguing, tempo, key and key change, etc. etc. etc. all at once and still trying to make something sound pretty.

I want to draw people! I want to go outside! It's so nice out! I want to go the library! I want to take pictures of the pretty meltiness! no maggie, you fool! *whiplash* go back to your solo piece or yull taste my fist, maggot!